Should Longboarders be Defined as Poseurs?

Update: I was recently perusing Shaun Tomson's book, "Surfer's Code" and came across a small passage on longboarding that I think perfectly exemplifies my feelings on longboards, and helps summarize the point I was trying to make below. Here is what Tomson had to say:

“Getting to that spot before the other guy creates a lot of competition in the lineup, and sometimes conflict. Since the early 90’s there have been a lot more surfers riding longboards, and this has proven to be a boon for many people who find these craft easier to learn on. The new longboards are lighter than ever before, and anyone with a reasonable sense of balance can learn to stand up and ride a wave very quickly. But many people choose to ride longboards for the wrong reasons. Not because they love that artistic kind of surfing where they can ride the wave with style and grace, but simply because they want to catch more waves. And because they can get more waves on a longer board, they take more waves. I always say something to people when I think they are being greedy. I say, “Why don’t you just wait your turn? There are other surfers out here.””

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When you live north in San Francisco, your surfing options are somewhat limited. You can hit up Ocean Beach, but most of the time currents are not ripping in your favor and as weird as it sounds, it picks up too much swell because of a lack of protection by surrounding land. Plus the one-second intervals can make paddling past the break nearly impossible. Bolinas is a good hour-plus drive away and often times is windy and small. Fort Point is packed when conditions are ripe, and the crowds have major moxy, willing to throw punches at the first sign of disturbance. Pacifica? Nothing but kooks and longboarders.

It’s Pacifica that more often than not makes me agitated. And it isn’t necessarily the amount of people that peaks my ire. No, it’s the spirit within that sours the mood. I’ve made it no secret that I loathe longboarders. I’ve previously expressed my frustrations (verbally) with the log riders, but want to delve a little deeper into the reasons why I think longboarders are pathetic.

First off, let me cross off the list the exceptions to the rule. For starters, old people. At a certain point in life, your physical abilities start to diminish. Muscles don’t heal as quickly as they used to. Joints hurt. Reflexes slow. It’s natural. So if you’re old, I can understand why you ride a longboard. It would be way too difficult to catch waves and ride them with a shortboard. Old people, you are excused in my book for riding longboards.

I’ll give the chicas the pass as well, for similar reasons. Most females simply don’t have the natural strength and abilities that men have. There’s a reason why men and women don’t play together in sports. The gents would pull a major ass-whooping on the ladies. It wouldn’t be fair, and I don’t think it’s fair to say that a woman is a poseur for riding a longboard. It’s pretty much the only way they can catch waves. If you need proof, check out the Women’s ASP World Tour. Often times they’ll cancel contests because the waves are too big. If the pros can’t handle it, I won’t pass judgment on the average female.


She gets five stars.

There are also certain days when a swell is so tiny that the only option one has is a longboard. When a swell is that small, there’s just no way you can catch good rides on a smaller board. It’s physics. So on the tiniest of days, I’ll give longboarders a pass. Shit, you’ll find me out there on a log when it’s miniscule.

This leaves two groups: Beginners, and the average male. Let me tackle the issue of beginners first.

It’s no secret that one of the earliest pieces of advice a novice surfer will receive is to learn on a longboard (which is the very reason why when a beginner asks me what kind of board they should learn on, I always tell them a shortboard so that they’ll be discouraged once they hit the water and hopefully move on to other activities. Sorry for coming off as a prick, but until the science of artificial reefs become exact, good waves are a limited resource and we don’t need more surfers crowding already-crowded lineups).

So you have the usual armada of longboarders in places like Cowell’s, Pacifica and Bolinas. These are considered beginner spots for good reason. They rarely have dangerous rip currents that can pose serious danger to a novice swimmer; the beach gradually drops off into the ocean, leaving a large area of shallow water; and the whitewash near shore generally has just enough push so one can start learning the process of riding the wave and popping up without having crushing waves to deal with.


A couple of beginners.

Unfortunately, after catching a few whitewash waves, most beginners will quickly develop delusions of grandeur and think that they’re ready to paddle out to the main peak. And this is where often times they make the usual, annoying mistakes: Not holding on to their board when a set comes through, resulting in huge, dangerous projectiles flying all over the place; and dropping in on others.


Longboarder dropping in on a wave that isn't his. This happens regularly at Pacifica.

In short, these douchebags are average humans attempting to be surfers. Just because you find a piece of plank that floats, and you wear a wetsuit while sitting on said plank, doesn’t make you a surfer. Sure, you’re attempting to be a surfer, and kudos for not aspiring to be a fat piece of shit. However, until you learn the rules, and advance past the longboard phase of surfing, you’re not a surfer. Hence, you’re a poseur trying to be a surfer.

This leaves the worst group of all: Younger men who longboard. This group of individuals, to me, is the bane of surfing. Healthy males who have learned how to surf but, because of laziness, ignorance, or fear of trying something they’re not good at, stick to their longboards. While others advance past the training wheels, these lazy pieces of shit are content with just “gliding” because it’s the easy way out.

In my eyes, watching a guy in his 20’s or 30’s surf a decent swell with a longboard is the same as watching a guy in his 20’s or 30’s riding a bike with training wheels. It’s the pussy way out. It’s weak. It’s pathetic. It tells me that this person lacks ambition, lacks a broader perspective, because instead of striving to make progress in a sport that this person supposedly loves, they’re content with a lower level of achievement.

In other words, they’re not a real surfer. They’re a poseur.

Not to mention, on logistical and practical terms, there are huge benefits to having less longboards and more shortboards in the water. For starters, you rarely, if ever, see a fat fuck riding a shortboard. It’s almost impossible to do because of the strenuous physical abilities needed to excel on a shortboard. There certainly isn’t a short supply of young men with muffin tops who can ride a longboard.

There would also be more space in the water. A lot more space. An average of 3-4 feet per person. On a crowded day, that’s a lot of real estate that’s suddenly opening up. Not to mention that if a board went wild due to a poor duck dive, wipeout, or snapped leash, you wouldn’t have a massive projectile threatening to cause bodily harm.

If you’re a healthy male who hasn’t reached middle age yet, and you ride a longboard on a day when a shortboard would work best, you’re pathetic. You’re trying to be a surfer. Only you’re not a true surfer. You’re a poseur.